December 14, 2001 (2 Comments)
Lexx closed the door behind him and tossed the blanket and pillow onto the couch. Now, he was completely alone. Alone again to his thoughts. He preferred to have things to do or think about so he wouldn’t be able to think, really think. Thinking was depressing. He lifted the panel concealing his collection of book plates and selected one. He’d read. He loved to read and it was always a good distraction.
Damian just had to show up and talk. It’s bad enough that the girl is still here,.. but now she knows. The thought passed through the Rishan’s head, as he unfolded the blanket and made himself comfortable on the couch. I have got to get ahold of myself. He attempted to break the thought pattern that was beginning to form. This is bad, very bad. I’m upset with myself that I have no control.
Lexx turned on the plate and watched the introductory bit of animation. I have to wonder if the nanos have anything to do with it. They fix things, but they never do anything to adjust what I’m feeling. They don’t even register any shifts in my body when I start feeling down. I almost hit Chel.
What did they do to me? I almost didn’t care if I did. That is not like me. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I just want to live. My father was not like that. He never hit my mother out of anger. His thoughts were scattered, jumping and interjecting one another as he sorted his way through them, losing his concentration on the book. It was too late.
I couldn’t help it.
I couldn’t help it.
I’m so weak when I’m angry.
Just a few weeks,.. a few weeks and I’ll be free,.. one way or another. I don’t want to die,… I really don’t want to, no matter how many times I’ve tried to kill myself. It’s all I could do. It seemed my only way out. Everything is so hopeless. I’m amazed I made it this far, but it’s wearing on me. I feel the stress. The nanos try to erase the physical, but they can’t fix mental and emotional affects. I am so tired.
I want to live.
I want to die.
I don’t want to have to decide.
And then, what am I left with,.. if I survive? If I die, there is that sweet surrender I know I’ll get, but there must be more to this,.. I want to actually know life. This isn’t life. I want to know life. I really do! But what life is there for me anyway in this universe?
Lexx stared at the plate, his own reflection. Yes, he was vain to a degree. It was just how he was because nobody else took interest in him. Someone had to. He didn’t look that bad, actually, he thought he looked very good and decently attractive. He had good hair. Very good hair. His mind went blank as he ran a hand through his good hair. He’d have to try something new tomorrow and see what kind of reaction it got from Chel,… now that was an odd thought. Why would he care what she thought about his hair? She probably wouldn’t even notice if he did something different.
Then again, Chel! There’s a possibility. She was on the ship and she wasn’t going anywhere, of course, he should probably be a little nicer to her. … what was he thinking about?! That wasn’t what he wanted. She was a distraction! Who was he fooling? He liked her. She had her annoying points, but she wasn’t that bad,.. and there was one other thing. It was either he or Stealth who contaminated her mind.
He’d caught a few other loud remarks coming from her, relief that Lexx hadn’t left her with Damian, a silent thank you, and gratitude for seeing the sunset. It was always an interesting thing to be sensitive to others emotions, although, in Damian’s case, he was still way too touchy for Lexx’s liking. There was also the aspect that at times, he sensed that Damian had more than just being friends and helpful in mind. No matter what, Lexx was responsible for exposing Chel to something she wouldn’t be prepared to handle.
Lexx wasn’t fully sure how it had happened. He didn’t even know it was possible with humans. Maybe there’d been some trigger that had opened at least a small part of Chel’s potential. Fortunately, she didn’t seem to be aware that Lexx could hear her. He’d have to ask Stealth later if she’d been doing anything.
There was just one more problem, if he could hear Chel now,.. how far would it advance? Normally, a link would get stronger the more it’s used and the closer distance wise a pair of equipped dice players were. Would she be able to hear him? He really hoped she couldn’t hear him.