Lexx sighed heavily, relieved that nobody had tried to move him. He'd been awake the entire time, from the moment Chel had stepped into the room to when Riley arrived and they'd gone into the bunkroom. He could hear them talking and several times almost got up to see what they were doing. Now, Riley was gone and Chel was reading in the bunkroom. She was letting him rest. He wished she'd come back into the room, but Claudia had ruined that.
'Sometimes." Lexx opened his eyes and peered into the darkness. The lights were out now and everything was calm again. "Sometimes, it's very lonely here." He whispered. "Being alone is nice when you want to be alone, but when you don't want it, it's the most painful thing I've endured. Sure, the dice are here, Chel, but it's not the same."
Lexx leaned his head against his arm thoughtfully. She had come in here, thinking he was asleep. He hadn't responded because he wanted to see what she would do. He had felt her emotions and been comforted by them, but more than that. She'd touched him. He could still feel it. Too bad Claudia had shown up,.. then Damian.
He was still tired and hadn't wanted to deal with them unless they actually tried to move him. They had angered him slightly with how they'd hurt Chel by not listening to her. Fortunately, Riley had shown up.
"Chel, why don't you come back in here and talk to me? I feel like talking right now. There's a lot of things I'd say. I really like you, you are a special woman. How can you be so nice to me? How can you give up all of this time for me? Don't you have a life to live on Earth? I know it's not the cat anymore, you said as much. You want to see me win, but why? There is nothing in it for you? I know that I don't mind doing things that don't get me anything, sometimes I have enjoyed being used in the past just to feel needed in some way, necessary and useful. I don't want to be useless."
Lexx continued speaking to himself, the words spilling out. He couldn't say them to anyone, but it felt good to say them aloud and imagine that Chel was listening. Rarely was he truthful to himself in what he thought and felt. He ignored his feelings. Now, they were attempting to take over. Everything had been repressed for too long. Now, his 'object' was becoming less of the object he had intended her to be and someone he really cared about. "I don't want to be useless. I don't want to be useless."
Lexx repeated. "But I am only good at this game. Even when it's over, I'll probably still play to make my life. I hate it, but it's the only way. What kind of life can I lead? What kind of life can I provide for someone else doing something I hate?"
He blinked in the darkness, then closed his eyes, "I need to stop doing this. You don't want to hear me whine about myself. Nobody likes to hear someone angsting over silly things that don't need to be worried about. Sad people are no fun to be around. I hate myself most of the time. What would you say to me, Chel? I tell you I hate myself because I am worth nothing without the game, but you actually like me enough to help me when I'm hurt. You could have walked the other way. You could have." He began to ramble, voice softening into a mumble. The drugs were still affecting him. He knew they were in his body and the nanites didn't act against them for a reason. He would have to speak to Stealth about drugging him when he didn't ask for it.
