The world around Lexx seemed to slowly fade as he withdrew. ‘I refuse to live as a captured player.’
And a voice hissed from the oncoming darkness. ‘But you will because they will keep you alive.’
It was true. If Lexx were captured, he would be kept alive by whomever caught him. ‘I would just give up.’ Lexx spoke to himself stubbornly. He wasn’t going to give the darkness room to edge in. It was beginning to scare Lexx. It was there and it seemed to have a mind of its own. It wasn’t just a voice in the back of his thoughts. It had a mind of its own.
‘You can’t,’ And it took form again, a mirror image of Lexx within his mind’s eye. ‘Even then, your hope will chain you to life. You are only torturing yourself. Is there any real reason for you to live? Any? Useless. Scum. Nobody needs you, you know that. Let go,’ It spoke with a cold, demeaning tone, clearly thinking nothing of Lexx.
Let go? It sounded tempting. Just give up and let it take over. It was getting stronger. It might be stronger than Lexx was and maybe,… giving up would relieve him of all the pressure. But, he couldn’t give up. If he did, he might never be able to reclaim himself and then what? Lexx sighed wistfully, brightening and smiling faintly to himself at the remembrance of a warm soft touch.
‘She asked me for a kiss.’ Lexx uttered.
‘Many have! That is nothing special! You delude yourself with false- ‘ Lexx’s reflection began to snap back.
‘NO!’ Lexx rose abruptly, cutting it off. ‘I am not!’ This was real. The way he felt was real. The way that Chel felt was real. There was no way to say otherwise because the relay was there and Chel did not know it was there. ‘I tell myself over and over it’s the same, but I can see my own stupid decisions. I can see my mistakes. I see my choices and the consequences of every one.’ It was true. Lexx often evaluated his actions, going over every encounter he had with others. ‘I choose.’
‘I choose to have hope for the sake of having it, because just giving up means death,.. and I’m afraid to die.’ With every word, the mirror image faded more. In his anger, he couldn’t help but face up to the things that he chose not to pay attention to day to day. ‘A living death,… a real death… I don’t want to die. I am so close. All those battles fought are nothing compared to now, because that life is all I’ve known.’
Lexx spread his wings and stated more to himself than his mental image, ‘It’s tearing at me. The choices. It scares me to be so close to an unknown future and a known past. I see myself wanting to cling to this life,… the life that I hate because I didn’t choose it,… and at the same time wanting to go into the unknown, to the possible pain of really living freely instead of the certain pain of the game.’
‘I’m familiar with that pain,.. I don’t know what freedom will bring,.. and,… I’m afraid. I’m afraid of what’s coming because I have never been there, but I’m not giving up. I’m not giving up to be captured and I’m not giving up to my own demons.’ Lexx trailed off in a quieter inflection of thought. He had a lot of things to think about that normally,… he pushed aside. Maybe pushing them aside wasn’t such a good thing… they tended to return and haunt him,…
He could not let go of the hope of something better. The windows opened on occasion, showing him a glimpse of something wonderful. Just enough to tease him into holding on, but now,… there was a new light and this one was not dimming.